SquanderLust

In this exhibition of photographs and sculptures, I confront the more shadowy, discomforting aspects of myself to present the viewer an ambitious vision of a portrait of the artist as a struggling addict. I utilize photography's indexicality and verité with sculpture's materiality to tell a hard truth. My lived reality defined by existential struggle is metaphorically transmuted in the evident labor I apply to each project.

Los Angeles Limerence is a photo and light sculpture installation with the word "limerence" in a custom red LED light sign over three framed photographs, two self portraits and a photo of a rose plant with a white substance on its leaves displaying a tale of woe, desire, completion and closure next to a larger light box with a colorful print of a light painting of city lights. The romantic theme is clear, as well as the lovesick anguish.

The Addiction installation that undulates and meanders overhead refers to the tumultuous rollercoaster of highs and withdrawals within compulsive attachment. Crafted from yellow barrier tape, I culled the letters from the words "CAUTION" and "CUIDADO" to spell the word "ADDICTION" in Impact font. The sculpture repeatedly spells "ADDICTION" along its length like a maddening mantra. The construction of this sculpture forced me to contemplate my own self-destructive habits and obsessive behavior.

A life-giving print of a hand pressing the button of a drinking fountain, titled Compulsion. Compulsion has a desirous undertone, referencing literal and figurative thirst. It serves as a segue into the works about my past relationships.

My series of darkroom prints from digital negatives of cellphone photographs of myself and former lovers, called One Door Opoen, Two Doors Closed, One Door Removed. I was heavily inspired by the work of Nan Goldin in her book The Ballad of Sexual Dependency, in particular its vulnerability and sexual charge. The use of the darkroom implies a bygone era of memories that have shaped and brutally shaken me. The photos start joyfully and end tragically, much like a doomed close relationship.

Punctuating this series is a large format darkroom print of a self-portrait on aluminum with the print peeling from its substrate, called Dorian Gray. Like the painting of Dorian Gray that progressively ages him as he maintains his youthful beauty, I wanted to portray an anachronistic and damaged self-portrait to hint at the psychological distress that I sometimes feel upon my own reflection.

Dysphoria and dysmorphia play a huge role in the making of Mai Cubed, the interactive selfie cubes I placed on a pedestal in the center. THis chimerical performative photo-sculpture is a playful manipulation about the fluid expression of my identity. THere was a depersonalization happening where I didn't look or feel like these photos were all of the same person while making these cubes. Self-indulgence sometimes felt wrong, sometimes felt right. I treated the terrible photos of myself the same way as my more flattering and interesting ones. This neutrality in my modus operandi is ironically in conjunction with the belief that my gender neutrality is far from neutral.

I embedded in the softness and tenderness of these deeply personal works either a hidden or apparent harshness and cruelty. Squanderlust is ultimately a manic, cautionary tale of the psychological self-immolation within panic and passion. Restraint is no longer exercised. There is no attempt to muffle the jarring impact of the trauma dump.